Decluttering Wars: Mother vs. Daughter

Donna is in the midst of decluttering her entire house before she sells it and moves to a smaller house in a better climate, a big change that she promised herself she would make once her kids were on their own.

Naturally, some items are harder to get rid of than others. One category she has really struggled with is her family’s collection of movies. She estimates she has more than 200 videotapes that her children once loved (she’s afraid to count them because it might be even more than 200). The idea of giving up these tapes is very hard for her.

To Donna, these videotapes represent happy times when her kids were still home. Even though she often complained at the time about hearing the same songs and dialogue over and over again, they are now fond memories. Since her daughter Esmé is the mother of her two grandchildren, she finally made the tough decision to call Esmé and tell her that the family’s precious videotape collection would soon be hers.

The phone call ended in tears: Donna’s tears. After she made her big announcement to Esmé, she noticed that Esmé didn’t sound very excited about it. So Donna sweetened the pot by saying she would bring the videos over as soon as she could pack them up, instead of having Esmé come to get them. That’s when Esmé responded, “Well, Mom, to be honest, I don’t have the room for them, and we don’t really need them. We stream a lot of stuff for the kids, and we can always rent a movie online and the kids can watch it for three days in a row, if they want.”

Donna couldn’t believe her ears. How could Esmé be so callous about these tapes that were once so important to her? Donna ended the call and then burst into tears.

This scene is being replayed in various forms every day. Boomer parents are finally downsizing, giving up things they’ve kept for far too long, and they want to make sure everything goes where it will be appreciated. But their millennial adult children don’t always want what they’re being given. Who’s to blame? The parents or their offspring?

It’s not a matter of blame: it’s a matter of expectations. The parents value certain items because of their sentimental value, or because they’ve been considered heirlooms in their families. But their children don’t want the items because they hold no sentimental value for them. In many cases, they don’t have the room for them, either. (Donna certainly knows that hundreds of videotapes take up a lot of space!)

These conflicting desires cause trouble in families. Ironically, if the parents weren’t making the effort to downsize their lives, their children would someday have to deal with all of these items when their parents move to a nursing home or pass away. But that may be the answer for some families: the parents keep the items, and after they’re gone, their kids can throw everything in a dumpster and hope Mom and Dad aren’t spinning in their graves.

On the other hand, young adults don’t usually realize that someday they may place greater value on where they came from and the people who loved them when they were small. They may find themselves wishing for something tangible to hold on to from those loved ones. But if they succeeded in refusing all such items years earlier, they’ll be out of luck.

Donna needs to consider Esmé’s opinion of the videotapes without taking it personally, and Esmé needs to understand that the tapes remind her mother of her children’s joy when they were young. Each will have to cut the other some slack. Perhaps Donna can think of something else to give Esmé from her childhood that she still values and that Donna also treasured.

Ultimately, we must always remember that relationships are more important than things.

Who Gets Your Folks’ Belongings?

(The following is excerpted from my book, How to Clean Out Your Parents’ House (Without Filling Up Your Own), just 99 cents today at Amazon.)

Going through a parent’s estate is a minefield for families. At a time when family members are at their most emotional and vulnerable, they have to make decisions that can cause all sorts of dissension and stress… unless their late parent left specific instructions regarding who gets their belongings. In the majority of cases, that didn’t happen.

So most families have the job of fairly and amicably working out who gets what. There are some good procedures for doing this, and we’ll get to them in a moment. But first, let’s look at some of the bombs that may go off as we tiptoe our way through this minefield:

Greed: Unfortunately, death triggers the greed gene in some people. You may be surprised at who gets greedy amongst your own clan. It might even be you.

Denial: One of the stages of grief, denial during the disposition of the estate takes the form of someone not wanting to disturb the estate: not now or next week, or ever. (Afterwards, this person often wants to take home all the trash and everything else no one wants, in an effort to “save what’s left of the estate.”)

Control: One or more family members try to take control of the proceedings, even if they have no claim for doing so.

Laziness: As the scope of the job becomes apparent, some family members decide they’re not up for it, and leave. But they’ll expect checks for their share of the proceeds just the same. In a similar vein, it’s often a family member who can’t or won’t go through the estate (or research, sell and ship any of it) that thinks it’s all too valuable to just give away.

Regression: Seeing parents’ possessions often triggers childhood memories, and childhood rivalries as well. Adults who are only a few years apart suddenly start behaving like big sister and little sister, complete with bossiness and whining.

Impatience: One or more family members who are understandably eager to get back to their own lives decide to just pitch everything in order to save time. This doesn’t go over well with those who are more sentimental, or those who know there are items of monetary value in the estate.

Vendettas: Old sibling rivalries and disagreements flare up, resulting in those with vendettas taking anything the subjects of their ire might want, even if they don’t like it, just so the “undeserving” don’t get it.

(Only children, are you beginning to realize the plus side of your situation yet?)

If the family is a blended family, complications abound. And of course, the estate is often larger because it may include some or all of the first spouse’s belongings as well as the second spouse’s.

So, how do we traverse such a minefield? Some ground rules are in order:

  • No one removes anything from the estate without the other heirs’ consent. (It’s the executor’s job to enforce this rule.)
  • Choose a date for going through the estate that works for every single heir.
  • Stay calm if a fight breaks out.
  • Have a mediator present if you expect trouble. A trusted and loved extended family member is often the best choice, but if that’s not an option, you can always hire someone. (Find a mediator in your state at www.mediate.com.)
  • The presence of your parent’s attorney will be helpful if the estate is especially valuable, but expect him/her to charge the estate for the time this takes.
  • As mentioned earlier, restrict the meeting to heirs only. (Naturally, heirs should consider the desires of their own families when they’re choosing items. They can even send photos and texts to gauge interest in specific objects.)
  • Don’t allow sudden and immediate disposal of the estate. One relative may be content with keeping only their memories and urges everyone else to quickly pitch the estate, but doing so might leave others in shock and regret that they didn’t take the time to go through it. Everything must be done fairly, even though it will take more time.  Besides, someone in a rush could end up getting rid of something very valuable. Convince them to hire an appraiser, which will buy time for the group to go through things.

Next up: How to Divide an Estate Fairly Between Heirs

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