Rhonda Hetzel is well-known in Australia. Her books about living simply have struck a chord with many people. Her blog is a wonderful source of information and inspiration.
I want to share this recent post of hers as it’s a great example of Rhonda’s common sense. Enjoy!
Donna is in the midst of decluttering her entire house before she sells it and moves to a smaller house in a better climate, a big change that she promised herself she would make once her kids were on their own.
Naturally, some items are harder to get rid of than others. One category she has really struggled with is her family’s collection of movies. She estimates she has more than 200 videotapes that her children once loved (she’s afraid to count them because it might be even more than 200). The idea of giving up these tapes is very hard for her.
To Donna, these videotapes represent happy times when her kids were still home. Even though she often complained at the time about hearing the same songs and dialogue over and over again, they are now fond memories. Since her daughter Esmé is the mother of her two grandchildren, she finally made the tough decision to call Esmé and tell her that the family’s precious videotape collection would soon be hers.
The phone call ended in tears: Donna’s tears. After she made her big announcement to Esmé, she noticed that Esmé didn’t sound very excited about it. So Donna sweetened the pot by saying she would bring the videos over as soon as she could pack them up, instead of having Esmé come to get them. That’s when Esmé responded, “Well, Mom, to be honest, I don’t have the room for them, and we don’t really need them. We stream a lot of stuff for the kids, and we can always rent a movie online and the kids can watch it for three days in a row, if they want.”
Donna couldn’t believe her ears. How could Esmé be so callous about these tapes that were once so important to her? Donna ended the call and then burst into tears.
This scene is being replayed in various forms every day. Boomer parents are finally downsizing, giving up things they’ve kept for far too long, and they want to make sure everything goes where it will be appreciated. But their millennial adult children don’t always want what they’re being given. Who’s to blame? The parents or their offspring?
It’s not a matter of blame: it’s a matter of expectations. The parents value certain items because of their sentimental value, or because they’ve been considered heirlooms in their families. But their children don’t want the items because they hold no sentimental value for them. In many cases, they don’t have the room for them, either. (Donna certainly knows that hundreds of videotapes take up a lot of space!)
These conflicting desires cause trouble in families. Ironically, if the parents weren’t making the effort to downsize their lives, their children would someday have to deal with all of these items when their parents move to a nursing home or pass away. But that may be the answer for some families: the parents keep the items, and after they’re gone, their kids can throw everything in a dumpster and hope Mom and Dad aren’t spinning in their graves.
On the other hand, young adults don’t usually realize that someday they may place greater value on where they came from and the people who loved them when they were small. They may find themselves wishing for something tangible to hold on to from those loved ones. But if they succeeded in refusing all such items years earlier, they’ll be out of luck.
Donna needs to consider Esmé’s opinion of the videotapes without taking it personally, and Esmé needs to understand that the tapes remind her mother of her children’s joy when they were young. Each will have to cut the other some slack. Perhaps Donna can think of something else to give Esmé from her childhood that she still values and that Donna also treasured.
Ultimately, we must always remember that relationships are more important than things.
(The third of three posts on Decluttering and Denial.)
We were pushing 50 when we were forced into downsizing our lives. Our kids were going out on their own, and while we still had a few years before the younger ones left home, it was clear that we no longer needed our 5-bedroom house. Empty nests don’t need to be that big.
So we discovered the freedom of living small, and we love it. But the act of giving up so many belongings, and moving to a much smaller house (so long, two-story foyer and giant master suite) made perfect sense for a couple heading toward retirement age. That said, accepting that we were that couple was kind of hard. I much preferred to think of the whole exercise as a prudent financial move than something that was appropriate for people our age.
The fact is that most people our age don’t have unlimited funds. Buying ever bigger houses and nicer furniture, and redecorating every few years, is fine for millionaires, but for us normal people, well, we don’t have that kind of money. For those of us who lost livelihoods in the lousy economy of the 2000s, it’s imperative that we live carefully, even frugally, because we don’t have a big, fat retirement account or pension awaiting us. We put everything into our businesses and our families, and now that those are gone, we need to look out for ourselves.
But those who are in denial about the fact that they’re nearing retirement age, and live like they’re still young and amassing houses and possessions, are putting themselves in danger. It used to be common sense that you paid off your mortgage before retirement so that no matter what happened, you’d always have a roof over your head. Now people are retiring with mortgages, multiple car loans and several credit card accounts nearing their limits. Retiring on a fixed income with that kind of debt load is a recipe for disaster.
Denying what I see in the mirror, that I am getting closer to retirement age, would be an exercise in futility. Time marches on. Those of us who can admit that and make the tough decisions that will minimize future pain (including decluttering and downsizing as well as paying off debt) are doing ourselves a big favor. Those who remain in denial had better have ample retirement funds.
You can’t determine what affordable housing means for you until you know how much money you have, and how much money you spend. We’ve previously looked at the first; now let’s figure out the second.
Whether you use an expenses app on your phone, or write down every dollar you spend in a small notebook, get in the habit of tracking your expenses. Do this for three months straight. This will give you a pretty good idea of what you spend, and where you spend it.
You’ll need to group your expenses into categories. I use my own categories when I do this (I’ve done it for almost my entire adult life). They include:
Many of these expenses are the same every month, so it’s not that hard to do this on a monthly basis. Just total these expenses, and any others you might have that I don’t have on this list; that total is an important number.
The big question is: how big is that number compared to your total monthly take-home pay? Do you spend more than you earn each month? If you do, something must be done. You need to be financially solvent going into your later years if you don’t want to end up living in your car someday.
If you’re spending more than you earn, I assume you have credit card debt. You’re going to need to get rid of that. If you have a spending addiction, you’re going to have to get help for that. If you live like someone who earns far more than you actually do, you need counseling to find out why you do that.
In addition to those issues, look at the individual categories to see where you can pare down. The largest categories are ripe for that, but the smaller categories add up, too. Be honest with yourself; where can you cut back so you can start spending less than you earn?
If you already spend less than you earn, congratulations! You’re one big step ahead of many people. Now you need to look at where you want to live before and in retirement, and whether you can afford it.