Decluttering Wars: Mother vs. Daughter

Donna is in the midst of decluttering her entire house before she sells it and moves to a smaller house in a better climate, a big change that she promised herself she would make once her kids were on their own.

Naturally, some items are harder to get rid of than others. One category she has really struggled with is her family’s collection of movies. She estimates she has more than 200 videotapes that her children once loved (she’s afraid to count them because it might be even more than 200). The idea of giving up these tapes is very hard for her.

To Donna, these videotapes represent happy times when her kids were still home. Even though she often complained at the time about hearing the same songs and dialogue over and over again, they are now fond memories. Since her daughter Esmé is the mother of her two grandchildren, she finally made the tough decision to call Esmé and tell her that the family’s precious videotape collection would soon be hers.

The phone call ended in tears: Donna’s tears. After she made her big announcement to Esmé, she noticed that Esmé didn’t sound very excited about it. So Donna sweetened the pot by saying she would bring the videos over as soon as she could pack them up, instead of having Esmé come to get them. That’s when Esmé responded, “Well, Mom, to be honest, I don’t have the room for them, and we don’t really need them. We stream a lot of stuff for the kids, and we can always rent a movie online and the kids can watch it for three days in a row, if they want.”

Donna couldn’t believe her ears. How could Esmé be so callous about these tapes that were once so important to her? Donna ended the call and then burst into tears.

This scene is being replayed in various forms every day. Boomer parents are finally downsizing, giving up things they’ve kept for far too long, and they want to make sure everything goes where it will be appreciated. But their millennial adult children don’t always want what they’re being given. Who’s to blame? The parents or their offspring?

It’s not a matter of blame: it’s a matter of expectations. The parents value certain items because of their sentimental value, or because they’ve been considered heirlooms in their families. But their children don’t want the items because they hold no sentimental value for them. In many cases, they don’t have the room for them, either. (Donna certainly knows that hundreds of videotapes take up a lot of space!)

These conflicting desires cause trouble in families. Ironically, if the parents weren’t making the effort to downsize their lives, their children would someday have to deal with all of these items when their parents move to a nursing home or pass away. But that may be the answer for some families: the parents keep the items, and after they’re gone, their kids can throw everything in a dumpster and hope Mom and Dad aren’t spinning in their graves.

On the other hand, young adults don’t usually realize that someday they may place greater value on where they came from and the people who loved them when they were small. They may find themselves wishing for something tangible to hold on to from those loved ones. But if they succeeded in refusing all such items years earlier, they’ll be out of luck.

Donna needs to consider Esmé’s opinion of the videotapes without taking it personally, and Esmé needs to understand that the tapes remind her mother of her children’s joy when they were young. Each will have to cut the other some slack. Perhaps Donna can think of something else to give Esmé from her childhood that she still values and that Donna also treasured.

Ultimately, we must always remember that relationships are more important than things.

Too Many Choices = Clutter

According to a millennial therapist, millennials’ biggest complaint is that they have too many choices and it’s stressing them out.

I suspect “too many choices” is a first-world problem, and one that is felt by far more people than just millennials. The other day, I went shopping for several things, including some shampoo for my husband. He has used this shampoo for many years, and until fairly recently, I could grab a bottle and keep going. But now that there are at least 20 versions of his shampoo, I have to stand there and figure out which one would be best for him. I can no longer find a basic version of his shampoo.

The “too many choices” dilemma also applies to our homes. If you have too many clothes, you spent too much time each day choosing what to wear. If you have an overloaded fridge and freezer, you spend too much time trying to figure out what to eat. If you have shelves full of DVDs, along with subscriptions to Netflix and Amazon Prime, you spend too much time trying to find something to watch.

The time it takes for us to make all of these choices each day adds to our stress level. The only way to combat this is by limiting choices. At home, that means keeping a modestly sized wardrobe, a pantry and fridge containing only what you need for a week or so, and a limited number of entertainment options.

There is a point where you go from having just enough to living in clutter. To find your optimal level of having enough, keep getting rid of things until you stop finding yourself wasting time making choices. Then watch your stress level plummet.

Clutter and Different Generations: Baby Boomers and Their Parents

I notice that today’s young people don’t seem to keep as much stuff as my generation has kept, and certainly not as much as their grandparents kept. I think there are several reasons for this.

I was born at the end of the baby boom, so I had parents who were born during the Great Depression. They were raised with relatively little in terms of material goods, and by parents who were poor. My maternal grandfather lost everything in the stock market crash of 1929, while my paternal grandmother raised a large family as a teenage mom whose husband left soon after their youngest child was born. As a result, these people valued…no, treasured…every item they owned, and particularly anything that could possibly be useful, right down to pieces of string.

Since they lived with very little income, they learned to stretch everything as far as possible, and to keep anything on which they had spent their hard-earned income. Even if they no longer needed something, they kept it because “Someone else might need it someday. What if we have another depression?” That’s what my parents grew up hearing and seeing. As a result, I was raised to waste nothing and keep everything.

But that’s not all. Looking back, I realize that I grew up during the golden age of merchandising. The quality of the clothes, housewares, and other products we bought during the 1960s to 1980s was extremely high and also very appealing. I grew up in the Chicago area, so I cut my shopping teeth on Marshall Field’s flagship store downtown, where there were 13 floors of incredible goods, all waiting to be wrapped in tissue by the friendly Field’s employees and placed neatly in forest green Field’s bags or boxes.

My love of fabric began when my grandmother took me shopping at Field’s fabric department, where she bought me my first pattern (clothes for my Barbie doll) and led me up and down rows of gorgeous fabric. Gram could not leave Field’s without a large stack of green boxes. When she wasn’t up for a trip downtown, she would call Field’s on the phone and request something she saw in one of their ads in her morning Chicago Tribune. The next day, the big green truck pulled up and delivered Gram’s new dress, or bedspread, or throw pillows. They were always sturdy and beautiful, qualities which she had come to expect from Marshall Field’s goods.

By the time I became a teenager, we had a new shopping option in our area: Woodfield Mall. Billed back then as the world’s largest indoor shopping mall, it boasted all of the major anchors of the 1970s (J.C. Penney, Sears, and of course, Marshall Field’s). You could spend the entire day there and find an amazing variety of fashionable and well-made clothes, shoes and home goods (mostly made in the U.S.), and also visit many specialty shops that made your shopping experience a lot of fun. All of the stores were full of tempting buys.

Then I got married and we bought a house. It wasn’t hard to fill a big, empty house with furniture, window treatments, and carpeting, not to mention sheets and towels. By now we had Marshall’s and T.J. Maxx, where I could find the same high-quality items sold at the mall, but at discounted prices. Back then, sheets and towels were designed for eye appeal, and before long, our linen closet was overflowing. (My family used many of those items for twenty years; that’s how well-made they were.)

For my generation, shopping was a pleasant experience that eventually became a pastime. No wonder we have so much stuff! Faced with the poor quality of many goods since most of our manufacturing went to the Far East, and companies became focused on how much profit they could make with lower-quality goods, many of us have kept our high-quality goods. It’s hard to let go of something when you know it will be impossible to replace it in the future with something of similar quality. No wonder many Baby Boomers and their elderly parents still have so much stuff!

Next: why today’s young adults have so much less clutter than older generations do.