Donna is in the midst of decluttering her entire house before she sells it and moves to a smaller house in a better climate, a big change that she promised herself she would make once her kids were on their own.
Naturally, some items are harder to get rid of than others. One category she has really struggled with is her family’s collection of movies. She estimates she has more than 200 videotapes that her children once loved (she’s afraid to count them because it might be even more than 200). The idea of giving up these tapes is very hard for her.
To Donna, these videotapes represent happy times when her kids were still home. Even though she often complained at the time about hearing the same songs and dialogue over and over again, they are now fond memories. Since her daughter Esmé is the mother of her two grandchildren, she finally made the tough decision to call Esmé and tell her that the family’s precious videotape collection would soon be hers.
The phone call ended in tears: Donna’s tears. After she made her big announcement to Esmé, she noticed that Esmé didn’t sound very excited about it. So Donna sweetened the pot by saying she would bring the videos over as soon as she could pack them up, instead of having Esmé come to get them. That’s when Esmé responded, “Well, Mom, to be honest, I don’t have the room for them, and we don’t really need them. We stream a lot of stuff for the kids, and we can always rent a movie online and the kids can watch it for three days in a row, if they want.”
Donna couldn’t believe her ears. How could Esmé be so callous about these tapes that were once so important to her? Donna ended the call and then burst into tears.
This scene is being replayed in various forms every day. Boomer parents are finally downsizing, giving up things they’ve kept for far too long, and they want to make sure everything goes where it will be appreciated. But their millennial adult children don’t always want what they’re being given. Who’s to blame? The parents or their offspring?
It’s not a matter of blame: it’s a matter of expectations. The parents value certain items because of their sentimental value, or because they’ve been considered heirlooms in their families. But their children don’t want the items because they hold no sentimental value for them. In many cases, they don’t have the room for them, either. (Donna certainly knows that hundreds of videotapes take up a lot of space!)
These conflicting desires cause trouble in families. Ironically, if the parents weren’t making the effort to downsize their lives, their children would someday have to deal with all of these items when their parents move to a nursing home or pass away. But that may be the answer for some families: the parents keep the items, and after they’re gone, their kids can throw everything in a dumpster and hope Mom and Dad aren’t spinning in their graves.
On the other hand, young adults don’t usually realize that someday they may place greater value on where they came from and the people who loved them when they were small. They may find themselves wishing for something tangible to hold on to from those loved ones. But if they succeeded in refusing all such items years earlier, they’ll be out of luck.
Donna needs to consider Esmé’s opinion of the videotapes without taking it personally, and Esmé needs to understand that the tapes remind her mother of her children’s joy when they were young. Each will have to cut the other some slack. Perhaps Donna can think of something else to give Esmé from her childhood that she still values and that Donna also treasured.
Ultimately, we must always remember that relationships are more important than things.
